Day 14

A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.



My best bud Athena! She is one of the happiest, sweetest, most talented and least selfish people I know. We've had a lot of good times through high school and beyond. Laughing until we cry, staying up way too late, doubling up for dates, going out for lunch & hot chocolate, talking about boys, dreaming and planning out our futures, teasing each other, hiking and rafting, goofing around at Girls' Camp, cheering each other on, and of course SINGING together! I miss her sweet voice and the way we blend so well together.

I can't imagine my life without her because she's taught me that it's okay- and actually a whole lot of fun- to be a hopeless romantic, among other things. ;) And she is just such a good friend, good at listening, gentle and loving always- and so giving! I just received a card in the mail from her a while back, and it totally made my day. Athena, I love you!

Needles Internship

It's been almost a month now, so I think it's just about time to finally post something about my current life. I took a semester off from school to complete an internship as an Interpretive Park Ranger in the Needles District of Canyonlands National Park 75 miles south of Moab, UT. I started February 20th and will be done June 10th.

What does that mean?


I get to wear a cool uniform, talk on a radio, drive government vehicles around, manage the campground, collect entrance & bookstore fees, answer questions, answer phones, go on hikes, create and present a campfire program, represent the U.S. Government, and live in one of the coolest places on earth with some of the neatest people.

No, it's not all sunshine and the romantic "National Park Ranger" ideal - sometimes I don't know the answer, sometimes the visitor center hours drag on, sometimes I feel smooshed under the bureaucratic policies, sometimes I miss my family and friends back home and even feel lonely out here in the desert...


...but then a little kid rushes up and asks me a question about coyotes, "Ranger, Ranger!" or I wake up before the sun and watch it paint an ever-changing liquid masterpiece across the sky, or I stand at the edge of a canyon mid-way through a run and listen to my own heart beat in the contented silence broken only by wind and birdsong, and I realize how lucky I am to live out here in the land of glowing rocks. I mean, I live in a National Park! When am I ever going to get this opportunity again? That's all the motivation I need to savor it.

Besides, it's not hard to love this place. Every hike is refreshing. It seems like there is no end to the trails or the things you can learn about this area- and no end to the questions, either. I spend a lot of free time/slow visitors center hours/project time just reading up about the natural & cultural history of the area, the whims and ways of the desert and life itself. It's like school, but so much better because I'm not doing it for a grade, and the parameters are so wide and the interest so keen!

I don't know if this internship will lead me to my life's mission or just help me become confident in my ability to manage a cash register, but either way I aim to help other people out, have grand adventures myself and learn as much as I can about this amazing place. :D

Seasons and Sickness

We've all heard that there is a season for everything. I'm learning a new depth to that saying today.

I woke up this morning shivering with a headache. The weather outside was not much better: right now it's 11 degrees with a windchill well below zero. I didn't feel all that crummy, but a thermometer reading of 101.1 and a resting heart rate nearly double my average made me think twice and pick up a bowl of chicken soup instead of my running shoes.

Once I was nearly recovered from a bad cold, but I decided to go on a hike with some friends of mine who keep up a wicked pace. It was a fun hike, but I came home exhausted and relapsed even worse. I didn't want to repeat that lesson today, especially with an overnight trip to a yurt in the mountains planned for this Friday. So, I decided to listen to my body, be patient, and just take it easy.
It was hard because I wasn't feeling crummy enough to lie around doing nothing, but I wasn't feeling good enough to really do anything truly productive. I read a book, babysat, played with a cat, played the piano, ordered a sleeping bag, and dreamed of days when the weather and I will both be feeling better.

The sun was the most deceptive part of today. It looked cheerful enough, but a step outside ushered in a breathless reality. The light that appeared friendly and warm from inside seemed harsh and hollow as it cast itself down upon a scene of stark, brittle trees stripped by the bitter wind. I stepped back inside quickly and put on another layer of fleecy warmth.
I haven't yet forgotten the memory of rich golden summer sunlight. It helps in times like this.

But as I've said before, winter has its own beauty. You could look at it two ways: a time to retreat indoors from the restrictive misery and dream of warmer adventures, or a time to retreat indoors for preparation and rest. In the days of homesteads, winter blizzards could leave a family snowbound for weeks. They spent the days mending things, making things, reading and telling stories together. Just because the winter was a harsh and unproductive time on the farm didn't mean it wasn't necessary or even good in its own right.
Six days we labor, and we rest on the seventh. Rest is good for the body and rejuvenating for the soul, especially when you're sick or stressed or otherwise in need. We can't just go-go-go; we are humans, not machines.

This time in my life feels kind of like a restful time. I am basically worry-free: living with my parents again, doing household tasks and spending time with my family and friends here until my internship starts. Sometimes I feel unproductive and even lazy. For so long I've been looking toward the next big deadline and constantly working to earn scholarships, recognition, money, credits, good grades, etc, going from one thing to the next. It's nice now to not have any homework to do, any exams to stress me out or classes to attend. I think I will miss it eventually. Too much of anything, even rest, is a bad thing.

For now I'm trying out a different kind of productivity. Today was all about helping my body fight what's ailing it and keeping the little girls entertained so my mom can spend quality time at the office. As for me, I'm taking time to breathe, time to play with a baby, time to find out what I really want from life and to enjoy what's here,

now,
in this season.

Even if it seems cold and miserable and boring, this rest will be gone before I know it, replaced by something new, the time quickening again and rushing onward.

Tomorrow I will feel better. Tonight, I'm going to bed early. Holly and I are having a camp out in the Great Room.

Ordinary Miracles

I have seen miracles.

I now group miracles into two categories:
- ordinary people with extraordinary love
- random and wonderful things that just couldn't be coincidence- aka God's tender mercies.

I received both when I needed them the most this past week.
The pop quizzes in Spanish were all about stuff I remembered learning before this class, so it didn't matter that I was behind in homework. One of my family home evening brothers surprised me with lunch when I didn't really feel like eating. The deadline for my chemistry homework that is normally due by classtime was extended a whole day. My dad sent me a text saying he loved me and to have a great day- I didn't know he even knew how to text! I forgot my keys, but the door just happened to be unlocked. The place I was reading in the scriptures spoke right to me, giving me so much strength. My roommates spent long hours just talking and laughing with me, going out for ice cream and hanging out. For just the second time in the semester, my religion teacher didn't ask us to turn in our homework. The sun was shining and the days were beautiful.

But the most amazing thing happened with a Chemistry test. As you can expect, studying is super difficult when you have something much heavier weighing on your mind. I forced myself to study for a few hours and do some practice problems, bringing my mind back to electrochemistry again and again, but my heart wasn't in it.

I was doing my best, but I just couldn't focus.

I was a little apprehensive going into the test, but not worried. (Once you learn what is really worth worrying about, a little midterm is nothing. ;) I sat down and began going through the problems, and I noticed gratefully that I felt unusually focused and capable.I felt great, everything was so clear and simple. Then when I got to the last problem, I stumbled. The day before, I had spent hours trying to figure out a practice problem just like this, but had given up, frustrated. My shoulders dropped and I looked up, at a loss.
Then I noticed my equation sheet. I looked through the familiar list, and my eyes fell on a certain unit conversion that I had never thought of before. I knew it was the one. The problem was suddenly so simple.
I turned my test in confidently, finished in half the time it usually takes me. I walked down the stairs and looked up to see my score, and nearly choked and laughed and danced and cried all at the same time-

Perfect score, 100%!

I definitely had some help from the Ultimate Chemist. My mom summed it up pretty adequately:

Faith is the conduit to truth, and truth is all the correct anwers.

When I told one of my friends about it, she replied, "That's exactly what I was praying for."
For me? I didn't know what to say.
Prayer is real. Prayer is powerful. "Thanks."

Shift

It's funny how one thing can completely rearrange your priorities and alter your life's perspective. My boyfriend/best friend has been in the hospital all week with a very serious, sudden illness, barely hanging on. I didn't find out until just Wednesday night, which is probably a good thing: I didn't know you could be literally sick with worry, but it is true. Since then, I have scarcely thought of anything else. Food has been a bother to me, sleep has come slowly, and it has been very difficult to concentrate on schoolwork. Luckily I got to come home for the weekend to be with my family.

We visited him today. He was not conscious, but it was still good to see what is really going on and just be with him. The machines and medications keeping him alive are incredible- I am so glad we have such advanced technology available. I felt so helpless, though- he was so distant, so covered in tubing and sensors and electrodes. I could barely hold his hand through everything.

It felt familiar: warm and solid.

Another thing I am so glad for is the amazing amount of love and support that we have all felt. The entire community has risen together in prayer, fasting, and well-wishes. I made a group on Facebook wishing him well and updating people about his condition; it now has 250 members and rising. I know that he is on the prayer roll of at least four LDS temples and two non-LDS denominations. I laughed until tears came to my eyes when I called the Provo temple prayer roll and the very confused lady told me that his name was already listed. People who don't even know him are praying and fasting. It is really amazing, and humbling.

People keep asking me if I am okay. I really am.
I gave up eating for a while, but with a spark of good news, my appetite is back. I love to laugh. I love to give and receive hugs. I feel deeper. I have not cried, I have not forgotten to look after others, I have not given up hope.

Strong is what you are when you have no other option. What else can I be now?