Day 20

A picture of something you wish you could forget.




Actually, I don't mind remembering how much it hurt to get this bruise. Because of it, I felt "hard core," earned bragging rights, and learned to let go of the rope sooner. It's one of those painful things that I wouldn't want to go through again, but all the same I'm glad I did.

Really, I just don't like forgetting things- even the times that are most painful or embarrassing. If I forget, I'll forget the lesson. Besides, these are parts of my life- if I were to blot them out of my memory, it would be less complete, less varied and expansive.

I used to think it wasn't fair that we remember our sins after we've been washed clean through repentance while Christ remembers them no more (Jeremiah 31:34). Why couldn't we all just forget and have them disappear completely?
That would miss the point. Repentance is a path toward changing, growing, overcoming. By remembering we keep ourselves from falling back into old habits and we can be gentler with others going through similar tough times.

Found this on someone else's blog, and it touched me. An interesting perspective.
(http://lamont-uphill.blogspot.com/2011/02/day-21-something-i-wish-i-could-forget.html):

"Forget.
Not because it was bad.
Not because I wish it never was.
Not because it wasn't a precious time with good people.

But because it's something I find myself missing so much.
If I could forget the loss, remembering would not be so difficult."

Now, back to wondering. I won't be wandering far for a while. I'm home. :)

Why is the cold so intimidating?

It's no fun to be stuck inside all day, but it takes such effort to bundle up and brace against the frost.

However, yesterday I went running. It was exhilarating! I've realized that that's one of the times when I feel most alive: charging up a hill, watching my breath fall beside me, feeling the ground below and the muscles pushing me higher and farther. Heating up, breathing in, breathing out, going on.

In the cold, you have to keep running if you want to stay warm. You can't stop. You can't slip. You've just gotta go----->

I've decided that I like winter after all. The still, the stark, the frozen. The sharp contrasts of red rock, white snow, clear sky. The soft landing and biting cold. Icicles reaching down imperceptibly, stiff branches clawing the sky. The flush of red nose and cheeks nearly buried in insulating layers, laughter ringing through the clear, frozen air.

Once they've shed their lush, bright summer garments and all is quiet, bare landscapes reveal their true colors. Pastel rocks glowing in the weak winter sunlight. Colors intensified by a backdrop of white and grey. A single snowflake on an old leaf.

People, too, show their true colors when all is cold and quiet.

Winter beauty is subtle, but real.

New Year, New Post

So here's one New Year's Resolution I should probably make: update my blog every once in a while! Yup, this is my first post in... well, too long. Lots has happened since then!

I won't fill you in; I'm starting fresh with 2011.

But first, a few pics from Christmas Break! (These are the later ones that didn't make it onto Facebook. I have dozens more if you're interested!)

Hanging out in the New House (SOOO many movies- what else can you do when it's cold & dark starting at 5:00 pm?)





Hiking/Scrambling Ice Box Canyon with Chris & Joseph. River Road to the Slickrock Bike Trail in just over an hour of near-vertical ascent. At points, we had to use ropes, NRS strap-belt harnesses, or climb on railroad spikes someone pounded into the rock. Awesome!




Christmas Eve Nazarene Feast ("hippie food" courtesy of yours truly ;)






Slush & Shanghai: a Hazlett Holiday Tradition








A fun visit by the 5 crazy Coleman cousins :)







Snow on the red rock (view from the Sand Hill where we went sledding & even got the Andrews' van stuck!)





Two cutest baby sisters. Check out Holly's dance moves! ;)







New Year's Eve party w/the Singles' Branch








I have rather goofy (but attractive!) best friends ;)









And a very cute baby sister who loves to play outside in the snow with me!

So basically, LIFE IS GOOD! And I love being home.

BYU Winter semester classes started today, but I am kind of not missing it at all. I needed a break from school and the Provo bubble, to be honest. Now I am excited to spend time with my family & friends at home for a few weeks before heading out into the wilderness to explore a potential career option and get some real-world experience.

Besides, see what I would have had to leave behind?

Shift

It's funny how one thing can completely rearrange your priorities and alter your life's perspective. My boyfriend/best friend has been in the hospital all week with a very serious, sudden illness, barely hanging on. I didn't find out until just Wednesday night, which is probably a good thing: I didn't know you could be literally sick with worry, but it is true. Since then, I have scarcely thought of anything else. Food has been a bother to me, sleep has come slowly, and it has been very difficult to concentrate on schoolwork. Luckily I got to come home for the weekend to be with my family.

We visited him today. He was not conscious, but it was still good to see what is really going on and just be with him. The machines and medications keeping him alive are incredible- I am so glad we have such advanced technology available. I felt so helpless, though- he was so distant, so covered in tubing and sensors and electrodes. I could barely hold his hand through everything.

It felt familiar: warm and solid.

Another thing I am so glad for is the amazing amount of love and support that we have all felt. The entire community has risen together in prayer, fasting, and well-wishes. I made a group on Facebook wishing him well and updating people about his condition; it now has 250 members and rising. I know that he is on the prayer roll of at least four LDS temples and two non-LDS denominations. I laughed until tears came to my eyes when I called the Provo temple prayer roll and the very confused lady told me that his name was already listed. People who don't even know him are praying and fasting. It is really amazing, and humbling.

People keep asking me if I am okay. I really am.
I gave up eating for a while, but with a spark of good news, my appetite is back. I love to laugh. I love to give and receive hugs. I feel deeper. I have not cried, I have not forgotten to look after others, I have not given up hope.

Strong is what you are when you have no other option. What else can I be now?

Updated Resolution

Live well.
Love much.
Look ahead.
Laugh often.
Learn always.
Listen carefully.

Shoulds

I've been wondering a lot lately about the shoulds of life. As a college student, there are so many decisions to make, so many directions my life could take- and so many voices telling me what I should do.

According to my major, I should zero in on all the classes that will make me qualified and help me graduate in 3.2 years in order to become a productive contributing member of society. According to my minor, I should somehow squeeze 18 credits worth of classes into an already full schedule. According to typical BYU stereotypes, I should meet a nice RM this semester and we should get married by this time next semester. According to leading doctors, I should drink 8 oz of water, sleep at least 8 hours, exercise 1/2 hour daily and eat a balanced diet. I should also keep the apartment spotless, spend time serving others, cook all my own food, buy organically, keep a year's supply of food handy, read scriptures daily, stay current on my first aid certification, schedule 3 hours/credit hour/week for each class, recycle, do every assignment and everything else anyone asks me to do, keep the commandments, keep in touch with my family, take time to do the things I love, and somehow find out who I am in the midst of all this. (actually, it's not "finding out" so much as "creating"- not a single moment of discovery, but an ongoing process. Nice tangent. Now, back to wondering about shoulds)

The thing is that I've done the calculations; I've tried to do it all- and there just isn't enough time in a day. I have to pick and choose to do some things, and leave the others for now. That's why I haven't done laundry or cleaned off my desk in ages (although I should soon because I'm just about out of clean socks). Of course, there are some basic shoulds in my life that keep me safe, happy, and on the right track- keeping the commandments, keeping in touch with my family, taking care of myself, preparing for the future, and taking time to do the things I love- but beyond those, how do I decide what I should do?

When I have to choose between two good things, how do I know which to pick? It gets a little blurry because most of my shoulds are good choices; the decision just depends on what's important to me and from whose perspective they are coming from. For example, my Life Sciences Academic Advisor will freak out when I tell her I dropped Chem 107 to take a guitar class, but my employers will be happy because guitar is a marketable and fulfilling skill when it comes to Cisco entertainment. Sleep is important as a general rule, but staying up an extra 15 minutes or so to relax and read the scriptures is definitely worth it.

What it comes down to is this: I don't always have to always do what I "should"(I couldn't even if I wanted to!). I just need to figure out what is important to me, what shoulds will help me grow and be happy and achieve my goals in the long run, and then just do it.

Life is not "one-size-fits-all." It's custom-designed by each and every one of us. And in the long run, it's just good to know that as long as I choose from "good should"s, everything else will work out because God is ultimately the tailor of this custom-fit life of mine. :D

This Year's New Resolution

In the past, I have made many New Year's resolutions to write more in a journal. However, I've failed so many times that this year I didn't even bother to make a resolution about it. Instead, I am trying a new method of recording some of my thoughts and happenings. I hope you all enjoy wondering with me as I experience this great wander called "LIFE"! :D